“What really matters for success, character, happiness, and life-long achievements is a definite set of emotional skills — your EQ, not just your IQ.” — Daniel Goleman
🌟 Introduction
Some leadership lessons don’t arrive gently. Years ago, I almost sabotaged my own leadership. I didn’t realize then that unmanaged emotions — mine and others’ — were steering key decisions. It wasn’t a lack of intelligence or experience; it was something deeper.
Later, I discovered Daniel Goleman’s framework on Emotional Intelligence (EQ), and suddenly the patterns became clear. His insights gave language to what I had stumbled through in my leadership journey. I came to realize and to confront a hard truth: technical competence isn’t enough. Emotional intelligence — Goleman’s groundbreaking framework — is what shapes influence, resilience, and trust.
This isn’t theory. It’s personal. My hope is that my story can help others avoid some of the mistakes I made and embrace the strengths I’ve since learned to build.
This article is the second part of my reflection on Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, focusing on how I’m personally applying its lessons today. Whether I’m mentoring younger leaders, navigating board dynamics, or pivoting into my next season, these insights are reshaping how I show up, lead, and relate to others.
📘 Overview: Emotional Intelligence in Leadership
Daniel Goleman’s research revealed a profound truth: technical skill and IQ may get you into leadership, but EQ determines how far you go. Emotional intelligence affects how we handle ourselves, relate to others, and influence outcomes in complex environments.
Goleman organizes emotional intelligence into four interconnected domains — the foundation of effective leadership, resilient relationships, and meaningful influence:
🧠1. Self-Awareness
🔹 Focus: Understanding your emotions, triggers, and strengths
🔹 Key Question: “What’s happening inside me right now?”
🛠2. Self-Management
🔹 Focus: Regulating emotional responses, adapting, and staying composed
🔹 Key Question: “How do I handle what I’m feeling?”
👂3. Social Awareness (Empathy)
🔹 Focus: Recognizing and responding to others’ emotions
🔹 Key Question: “How are they feeling, and why?”
🤝4. Relationship Management
🔹 Focus: Building trust, influencing outcomes, and leading effectively
🔹 Key Question: “How do I connect, inspire, and navigate complexity?”
These quadrants are interconnected — strengthening one deepens the others. Below, I unpack how each has transformed my leadership journey, weaving in Goleman’s insights, my personal lessons, and practical applications.
Across my own leadership journey, I’ve discovered that mastery in these quadrants isn’t optional. It’s transformational.
🧠 Quadrant 1: Self-Awareness Naming the Drivers Behind My Decisions
“If you don’t have self-awareness, you cannot regulate yourself. And if you can’t regulate yourself, you can’t empathize with others.” — Goleman
Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence — yet it’s often the hardest to practice. Have you ever noticed a leader who is completely self-unaware in their pronouncements? It could be a politician, a senior executive, or even someone in your office. You listen to them and think, “Wow, how can you be so unaware?”
I’ve learned — sometimes painfully — that you can’t manage what you can’t see.
My earliest lesson in self-awareness came when I nearly derailed a critical project because I didn’t realize how much fear was shaping my reactions. I was frustrated, defensive, and blind to how I was showing up. In hindsight, my unmanaged emotions were louder than my intentions.
This is what Goleman warns us about: we are often the least aware of how others perceive us. We spot blind spots in others — a politician’s gaffe, a colleague’s misplaced confidence — yet struggle to see our own.
Through Goleman’s lens, I began paying attention to triggers: moments where ego, fear, or pride might override reason. Over time, I learned to pause before reacting — a skill that transformed my decision-making.
Practical Applications
- Build emotional check-ins into your routines: ask yourself “What am I feeling, and why?” before big meetings (or dealing with key personal issues).
- Invite trusted feedback: others see what we miss.
- Journal regularly — something I’ve done for decades — to track emotional patterns and recurring triggers.
🛠 Quadrant 2: Self-Management: Choosing Response Over Reaction
“It’s not that leaders don’t feel emotions; it’s that they learn not to be ruled by them.”
If self-awareness shows you the emotion, self-management gives you the tools to act wisely despite it. I learned this the hard way during a high-pressure facilitation for a senior leadership team within a sensitive commission environment. Midway through, political tensions flared between participants.
My natural instinct was to take sides and settle it quickly. Instead, I paused, centered myself, and used Goleman’s principle: regulate first, respond second.
That decision shifted the room’s energy. What could have spiraled into conflict became an opportunity to model composure and guide a productive dialogue.
This practice of pausing has reshaped not just my leadership but my mentoring and coaching. Today, I consciously slow down my responses, especially in moments charged with emotion.
Practical Applications
- Develop pause rituals: a deep breath, a silent prayer, or grounding techniques before speaking.
- Reframe setbacks as learning opportunities rather than personal failures.
- Practice flexibility: leadership demands adapting, not clinging, to our preferred approaches.
👂 Quadrant 3: Social Awareness: Empathy That Transforms Teams
“Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with their heart, seeing with their eyes.” — Daniel Goleman
A second reason why emotional intelligence is so critical lies in how we connect with others. When we’re easily misunderstood, it’s often because we forget a core truth: communication is not what you say — it’s what is heard. That requires intentionally putting ourselves in the shoes of others. Goleman calls this empathy — the ability to sense, understand, and respond to the emotions of those around us. Whether within families, teams, or entire organizations, empathy shapes trust, reduces conflict, and deepens relationships.
Mentoring younger leaders has been one of the most rewarding areas where I’ve applied Goleman’s quadrant on social awareness. Early in my career, I often prioritized outputs and outcomes over people — believing productivity would naturally create cohesion. But I discovered the opposite: influence flows from connection.
One turning point came when a young team member was underperforming. Instead of defaulting to criticism, I slowed down, asked questions, and truly listened. I discovered personal struggles at home were affecting his work. With empathy, we reframed expectations and offered support. The change was remarkable — not just in his performance but in his loyalty and trust.
Practical Applications
- Focus less on expressing and more on understanding. Ask: “How might they be interpreting this?”
- Pay attention to non-verbal signals: silence, posture, and expressions often speak louder than words.
- In conflict, practice curiosity before judgment: ask questions before forming conclusions.
🤝 Quadrant 4: Relationship Management & Leadership Styles
“Leadership is not about a fixed style; it’s about resonance — picking the right approach at the right time.” — Goleman
Early in my leadership journey, I thought people had one leadership style: visionary, democratic, commanding, or otherwise. But Goleman shifted my perspective: leadership styles are situational, not static.
During a high-stakes session with commissioners and senior executives of a state agency, I shared Goleman’s six styles:
- Visionary — Inspiring direction and change
- Coaching — Growing long-term capabilities
- Affiliative — Healing rifts and fostering harmony
- Democratic — Building buy-in and consensus
- Pacesetting — Driving excellence in motivated teams
- Commanding — Mobilizing action in crises
One senior leader, a former military officer, proudly identified with the commanding style. But the breakthrough came when we explored context. A commanding approach is vital during emergencies — imagine a fire breaking out during a board meeting. You wouldn’t want a coaching or democratic discussion; you want decisive action.
This realization reshaped how I lead: my role isn’t to master one style but to read the room, sense the need, and choose wisely.
Practical Applications
- Assess climate before choosing a leadership approach.
- Use visionary style when alignment on direction is needed.
- Lean into affiliative or coaching when relationships require repair.
- In crises, don’t hesitate to act decisively and command clearly.
🌍 Why This Matters
Across decades in policy, governance, and consulting, one lesson has become clear: leadership without emotional intelligence fails at scale.
I’ve seen brilliant strategies collapse because leaders couldn’t manage their triggers. I’ve watched entire teams disengage because their voices weren’t heard. I’ve lived moments where my own blind spots nearly compromised outcomes.
Emotional intelligence isn’t optional — it’s foundational. In a world of complex change, competing priorities, and rapid transitions, EQ equips us to:
- Lead with empathy without losing clarity
- Manage influence without manipulation
- Build trust that outlasts temporary wins
📌 Next in the Series
This is the fourth reflection in my “Books I Wish I’d Read Earlier” series, following:
- Failing Forward by John Maxwell
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
In the final article of this five-part series, I’ll turn to “The Psychology of Money” by Morgan Housel — exploring how our emotional relationship with money shapes decisions, relationships, and even leadership.
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